SG Fairy

Finally!!!

I finished my essay, took the exam... and now I feel kinda lost.

It is kinda weird... during the week, there were countless times when I kept wishing it'll all be over so I could get some sleep and blah-blah-blah.

But everything is now over, it is 2 in the morning, and although I am feeling very tired, I cannot get to sleep.

Life is so unfair sometimes.

I got the 'Hitchhikers' Guide to the Gallaxy'! I had gotten the illegal, oops, I meant, legitimate vcd when I was in Indonesia, and just a day or so ago, I had the book passed to me! I know that for some, reading is a novel concept, but the inner geek in me just loves to read. I cannot wait to start on it!

The problem is, there are 4 other books that I wanna read too. They're books I got in Indonesia:
1) General (ret.) Wiranto's Witness in the Storm, with his personal autograph marking his sign of approval!
- This is basically his memoir, about the fall of Suharto and the Reform era which came about after that, the whole democratic transition etc.

2) The Concept of Power in Javanese Culture
- This one is, you guessed right, about the javanese culture and how power figures in it all. When you've an understanding of the javanese culture, you'll have a better understanding of Indonesian Politics, because 65% of the pop. is Javanese and that culture has been viewed by many to be the dominant culture governing the country. I have an alternative opinion to offer up, but that's a whole other blog entry altogether. Bear in mind though, that most of the political and military figures of Indonesia came from Jogja, which is like, the cultural and educational capital of Indonesia, located in Java.

3) Bilveer Singh's Bear and Garud: Soviet-Indonesian Relations: From Lein to Gorbachev
- This was written by my prof. years back. The title is self-explanatory... what is most interesting about this is that I've not really come across that many writings about Soviet-Indonesia so yes, it'll make for an interesting read.

4) Bilveer Singh's The Vulnerability of Small States Revisited
- I read parts of this book before, for a module... and I wanna complete the other bits I didn't have time for in the past. One thing about the prof. is that his writing style is just so easy to manage, concepts are so clearly explained... it's a political science book made for pleasurable reading.

So ok, I've exposed myself as a pol. science nerd, so excited about this academic books. But politics is really interesting if you care to dig deeper into it. I mean, put it this way, we're being political every single day, be it with our parents, siblings, friends, etc. Politics is about power and influence and the competition for the larger share of the pie, and we're all involved in it.

Geez... and I'm supposed to be relaxing my mind, not talking politics after an exam.

I think I'll start on the Hitchhikers'... then progress along...

i was reminded today why I had wanted to stay longer in Indonesia.

I hate it when parents are shouting at each other, or at my brother, little brat that he can be at times...

I hate the... feeling that I have to be good, please them... that my whole life has to evolve around them. I am a pretty good girl... I attend family functions as much as I really hate visiting some of the relatives at time... I spend my entire weekends at home, unless there's something really great coming up. I plan my weekdays such that at least I'm not out all the time. And it's killing me.

That's what I loved abt living in hall and being in Indo.
The time was mine... I didn't have to keep worrying about whether or not I'll be a min late going home, I didn't have to report to them... I could... I could be me.

I'm trying to plot, find a way to move out asap. To be fair, it won't be good to do so now. It's a long-term goal... move out by say... 25?

I want my own place! My time and life!

I need to get back to my essay.

Coz I am in one hell of a bitchy mood... so let me crap along, and you can go away if you get too sick of my pathetic behavior.

At least I know I'm not popular enough a blogger to be getting my blog trashed by some 'I-hate-your-guts' ass.

I was just reading someone's blog and this person was going on about her love for women in, yes, that kinky sexy sense, and her latest male crush. And I suddenly felt so inadequate, and pissed off with that blogger.

I've always felt that I had to be bisexual and want to suck on both pussy and dick in order to become fully woman. Don't ask me where I got that idea from, but ya...
It's like, guys want you to want women, and as long as you dun like women in that manner, you're not able to fully satisfy your man. I'v always felt, He'll only be 110% happy with me when I tell Him I wanna fuck another woman.

And this thing about men... I just dun understand. Guys wanna have a woman who loves to fuck anything with a dick, but prefers to marry a virgin. Ok, let's leave the marriage part out for a bit... men like women who have lots of sex. And I feel bad sometimes, I feel like I have to lie to Him that oh yes, I want to fuck that guy, and that guy, and that guy standing over there. Like as though if I dun have desires to fuck other guys apart from Him, then I'm not turning Him on enough, or I'm just simply a boring old hag.

Why do men like it so much that she has a new crush every single bloody month, and she's fucking around like nobody's business? Don't people ever stop to think that maybe she's really screwed up and sad and needs help??? Oh no, guys don't think that. They just think, 'oh yeah baby, show me more boob, tell me more about your latest fuck!'

I've seen her in action, trying to be the centre of attraction in a very public place, being the ultimate slut.
I thought, maybe He'll like me to be like that... He sees it as confidence, perhaps.
But I think, hell no I wanna be like her... there's a very fine line between daring to be yourself, and having no respect for yourself. You behave so slutty in public, with no consideration whatsoever for the hosts and you see it as, oh hey, I'm just being me, I dare to live and be myself. That's so wrong, dearie.
You think you're so sexy, but maybe perhaps the guys look at you and are only thinking, she'll be an easy fuck. Is that what you want?

I want a man to look at me, be intruiged, curious. I wanna be subtle, tease...

I honestly don't think she has guts, is smart, brave, dares to be herself etc.... I think deep inside is a girl in pain.

If anything, she's a girl to be pitied.

I'm just so sick and tired of all the attention on her... wake up, people! Don't celebrate a girl screwing herself up!

I've reached the stage where I read her blog, and I feel disgusted, and very very sorry for her. She gives all this philosophical shit about living and she tries to sound intelligent and knowledgable on books etc... but really, she's just plain silly.

When can people ever get past their own dicks to realise her pain?

You can bloody well go think of me as an insecure bitch who's bitter and jealous of her... I dun bloody well care.
Or maybe perhaps I'm just stressed out over papers and am venting out on some poor innocent soul.
I already stated from the start that this is going to be a crappy, pathetic, vent-frustration blog. And this is my place on the Internet to express my feelings. So fuck off if you dun like what you read.

I like who I am... and I am sorry if He ever starts to feel one day, that I'm not good enough just coz I dun have a thing for women, or have multiple desires to fuck strangers coz I have control over my hormones. I'll just have to convince Him that I am good the way i am coz I am me.

And no, we are not having problems... it's just a topic we have discussed before among ourselves... and I'm just in a pissed off mood so hence am bringing up again.

I need a smoke.

It was a very interesting day I had today...

You see, I had gotten a temporary tattoo done while I was in Jogja, something which uses black chinese ink to create a lovely butterfly design on my wrist... A rather big and hence, obvious mark.

So I was on my way to school and I had just gotten onto the MRT when I noticed people turning to look at me. Now, I'm sure I wasn't having a bad hair day and I was also decently dressed in a simple blue tee and jeans. I carried a bag which had the NUS logo and 'Faculty of Arts and Social Science' across it, so hey, I was looking like a normal decent student.

But people were looking at me with disapproval.

I soon realised that whenever I moved my hand to say, tidy my hair behind my ear, those people's eyes followed my hand.

It was my tattoo they were looking at.

Now what the hell is your problem? Just coz I've a tattoo on my wrist, you look at me like I'm some totally bad kid who smokes, drinks, does drugs, have many piercings and have sex often. So all of the above is true, save for the drugs bit, but that doesn't make me bad. And you cannot judge someone's character just solely based on whether she has a tattoo or not. Or is it coz I'm a girl and I come from a uni, so I'm supposed to be sugar and spice and all things nice?

I am proud of my tattoo... I love the design a lot. Look:


Ok, so it ain't a totally clear pic but that's just coz my camera ain't all that fantastic. But it is a nice design, right?

But just coz I have one, it doesn't make me bad. I bet lots of other people out there who are decently dressed and stuff have loads of vices. Haven't people heard of the saying 'Do not judge a book by its covers'?

This is one of those things that make us Singaporeans an inmatured lot.

Anyways...
I got my pics loaded up already!

I still haven't decided if I wanna stop being a faceless blogger. But I wanna share some images with you guys anyway.

This, I took in Jogja. I was sitting in the bus, just waiting for us to be going to lunch, when I saw this little girl in the bus just next to ours. Something about her just captured my attention... it is quite an image, no, even for an amateur recreational photographer like myself.


There's just something about kids in photographs that I love, not coz I've a thing for kids... but there's this innocence you see that gets to you, makes you want to take the pic in the hope that you could somehow grab hold of that carefree spirit and keep it forever.

This was taken while we were visiting a pottery and ceramic-making village in Jogja:


These kids were playing while their parents got busy trying to sell things at a bazaar to get money to feed the family.
This pair was simply adorable... in their own fantasy dress-up world:


And this little boy, was in his own little world, oblivious to me:


I have more pics which I will put up over the next few days.... Borobudur, Sultan's Palace etc... but for now, I've to get back to my essay :p

Ta!

Hello there all, miss me?

*looks at blog count*

Oh ok, so you all decided to abandon me eh? Just coz I've been away and missing in action for a couple of days? (so ok, it was a month but that's besides the point)

Traitors!!!

Anyways...

I'm now back home in Singapore... one of the first things I did after breezing through the doors, was to go grab a bowl of fishball noodle soup. Yes, so I'm a pathetic chinese bitch.

There's so much I wanna write about, but I just do not know where to start. Talk about Indonesian politics, the extremely mentally-stimulating discussions, the friendly people, the friendships forged, the food, the shopping, the cheap ciggies, the equally cheap beer... hmmm...

I suppose I'll do it over the next few days.

Some things I've been thinking about...
I wanna post up pics. I took some nice (in my opinion at least!) scenery pics, and there are shots of me with Wiranto etc that I wanna show off. But... when I started this blog, the idea was to keep me unidentified. But if I were to post up pics, then you'll see my face, right? So how?

Sigh.

And I'm now in the... "let's try to settle back into 'normal' life again" mood. I'm now back to smoking out of my bathroom window; in fact, I've only smoked one stick since I got back home :P It's not like in Indonesia, where you can smoke like, almost everywhere. And I've to remind not to anyhow throw my ciggie butts away now that I'm back in sg.
I look around my room, and it seems so familar and foreign at the same time. I cannot just pick up the phone, and call one of the girls to ask "hey, whatcha doing? Wanna come over to my room?"

I am HOME.

While on the bus on the way to the airport in Jogja, I got to reflecting on my trip... and that's been something I've been doing at the back of my mind since I got back. It's true that Indonesia as a big country, does really have a big heart. It is a place that is ALIVE. I look out of the taxi on my way home from the changi airport and I find everything so sterile and yes, disgusting. Like as though it's all fake, forced artifical smiles trying to pretend to show the world that we are a happy lot, extremely satisfied with our lives. But that's not true. Then you look at the Indonesian people... yes, they are not so well-off etc. But somehow I sense this REAL contentment with their lives, and I envy them for that.
They are living, and we, with all our development crap-shit, are dead.

I feel so bad that the people of Indonesia have given me so much, but yet, I gave so little back in return. They taught me so much, and I'm not just refering to the political theories etc... and now back home in Singapore, I think I'm starting to realize that truly, the best things in life are free.

Anyways... while I contemplate posting up pics, let me first thank the fellow Singaporeans who made Indonesia even more enjoyable. Communal living was so interesting, people of different race, religion, personal beliefs, personalities etc, stuck together for 4 weeks... haha. My roomie was just a god-send, and the other girls helped keep me sane. I remember precious moments like, hanging out by the pool (I really enjoyed that, gals), the intimate room sessions (no, not THAT sort of sessions!) where we had girl talk, supporting each other.. real treasures to keep secure in the heart. And I don't know if I should be freaked that Nethia and I are rather similar... haha, but hey bitch, it was a pleasure. I say when you find a friend whom you can easily make peace with over a beer, with no real need for words, then you better make sure you keep them. And all the rest of the group... thanks.

But most importantly, I think my Prof. is the best! At the risk of sounding like a apple-polisher... he taught me so much, and really, this module, this study trip, definitely taught me more than some of the uni modules combined. You look at politics from all sorts of angles, and you get enlightened by, by just so much.

I kinda dread life after this exam. It'll involve seriously going out to look for a job, and being an adult. I wish I had studied harder so I could do Honours and have an extra year in uni. I just wanna stay in this safe shell, learning. But hey, reality beckons. And I wanna be truly financially independent and able to help the family out. Sigh... that's life.

:P I just realised it's 3 in the morning. And this was just supposed to be a short post.

Oh well... I'll blog again later.... but for now, the bed just looks so inviting.

I wonder what He's doing now....