SG Fairy

Been a little preoccuiped these couple of days... so much to think about...

Haha... it was so embarrassing - the other day, I was happily crossing the road when my right high heel gave me problems. The main strap covering my toes came out, and it happened right there, in the centre of the road. I was like, oh shit... what do I do now? Do I limp my way across to the pavement, or do I take my heels off and walk barefoot til I reach safer ground?

I ended up doing both. I had first attempted to limp gracefully with half a heel hanging from my ankle. But, I soon realised that if I were to continue in that fultile attempt, the lights would soon turn green and I'll get run over by the car right in front of me. And damn, it was a nice sexy-looking sports car. So I bent over, letting my skirt ride higher up my flabby thigh, pick up my heel, and coolly (at least I hope I didn't look that flustered) walked across.

That was so pathetic.

Of all the places it had to spoil, it had to choose that particular moment to do so. No, wait... why did it have to spoil in the first place!?!?! Now, the only heels I have are my boots, and covered formal black heels. I have no casual heels left, coz I spoil the rest, and I have not the money to buy new shoes.

My mum said I don't know how to walk. :P

Oh well...

Anyway, if you care to know, I took my hair band, tied my foot to the sole, and walked on to the mrt station, stood in front of a zillion people whom I swear kept staring at my weird heel (maybe they thought it was the latest fashion, hey I may have started a new trend!), and walked the next 10 min from the station home.

I promise to treat my next pair with the greatest care... once I find the money for it :P

It's funny how such incidents can get you all philosophical, or maybe I'm just weird. But I was thinking, isn't life like that sometimes? You embark on something new, like a new relationship with a pair of heels you just bought.. you use it all the time coz you enjoy it, it makes you feel comfortable... and then suddenly, wham bang! An obstacle/set-back comes along, your heels spoil, and suddenly, you dun quite know how to walk down the road of life. And geez, maybe that incident might just scare you off, and you decide you'll never going to be a cheapskate and go to another Robinson Great Warehouse Sale at the Expo... you dun wanna try that thing anymore.

I was reading Mr Brown's blog here: http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2005/06/koinonia.html... he posted a very meaningful and touching post about how someone in church talked to him and his wife, comforted them... and he mentioned the fears his wife had about a 3rd child, fear that there might be complications again.

I've always been kinda weird when it comes to any topic on babies.

After my abortion, which happened just a few months after I turned 16 (yes, I was of legal age when IT happened), I've never quite been able to decide:
a) If the circumstances were right, my parents wun disown me, I had the money to support the baby as a single parent(the father wouldn't have been involved) etc, would I still have kept the baby?
b) Do I still want to have kids in the future, married or otherwise.

Those of you pro-life people out there, dun you ever dare condemn me.

Regards (a):
I wondered if I could have loved that baby as much as I was capable of... I mean, I didn't really know the father, it wasn't like we were a couple in love etc. In fact, he had asked me when I approached him for money for the abortion, if I was for real, or if I just wanted cash. And the baby is, in a way, half his, and half mine. Could I take looking at my baby, seeing half of that guy in it, and still give it all my love? Or would I have been a little distanced, perhaps almost repulsed?
I always wondered about that... I mean, I can never walk through the baby section of a departmental store without thinking, 'hey that looked nice! i could have gotten it for my baby'. And sometimes when I see a little kid, i feel very happy, to see a kid bursting with such innocent joy and life; yet sometimes, my heart aches. My baby would have been 4 years old this year, and when I see children about that age, I feel such regret in my heart sometimes. So it's not like I dun love that baby I lost... I believe it's in heaven looking down on its mother with a bright cherry smile between play breaks.
But I've always been afraid... that I wouldn't have treated it right, given it the love it deserved if I had kept it... that I wouldn't have been a good mother.

Which brings us to (b):
I'm not so sure I can find a guy I wanna marry, especially since I have very high expectations.
So let's not think about marriage now and just say, I have the opportunity to have a kid someday.
Sometimes I think about it, let my imagination run... I cannot decide if I want a boy or a girl, both are equally wonderful.
But then.. the next thing is... can I get over the guilt, to have my own child? Can I get over my fears that if it's going to be a male, it'll not be like some of the ass-holes I have encountered, and if it's a girl, that it won't go through the pains I have experienced?
Or perhaps I am never meant to be a parent... that coz I've screwed up before, I do not have the right to be a parent.

Sigh... I know we'll never know what the future will be like, but I cannot help wondering sometimes.. I want a little warm bundle of joy to carry in my arms, to protect, to love... yet...

Oh well.

But for Mr and Mrs Brown....
Take joy in the gift God has for you, and know He is always good.