SG Fairy

this kid in my class gave me a sorta card today after lesson...

she made deep impressions on a piece of paper, then shaded the entire surface so the impressions would appear...

and her message basically was, "Happy Teachers' Day! I love you, Teacher!"

so sweet, right?

what to do... i'm just such a wonderful teacher... touching hearts and all that crap..

MOE should try to woo me...

I got a $4 tip today!

Lalala... it's good to get your customers drunk... they start giving you money...

And it's a lot of money lor... I mean, that's like, almost 8 sticks of cigarettes.. the equivalent of what I smoke on weekends when I'm 100% at home.

Lol... I know.. slut...

And so now the latest hottest news is pregnant teenage girls, multiple abortions, and STDs.

Woah!

Why are females forever the ones in articles with the greatest 'tsk-tsk' angle?

Why haven't they jumped on the boys yet?

Bloody hell...

went for an industry event today... a meeting of media people of sorts....

i was really rather nervous... networking? err... how do u do that? would people think i'm crazy if i went up to talk to them? somehow we're talking abt media people leh! what if they look at me like i'm some young punk low life?


i emerged with no injuries... and i dun think i embarrassed the boss, not too much at least... lol

but really... a good eye-opener... interesting lesson in the 'How not to be blur in the corporate world 101'

need to sleep now... think i drank too much wine at the event... hehe.. *hiccup*

(Translation: Must rush, ie. push ahead hard in rat race, then can win)

Went to watch Broadway Beng with my mum just now... it's an excellent production!

Not your typical arty-farty theatre thingy... but more... SBC8 hokkien variety show, mixed with some broadway singing and singlish thrown in for good measure.... and he also sang some of the very famous hokkien songs that even I know! And, lol, he also did the hokkien version of 'Stand Up for Singapore'... that was totally, hahahah...
It's not the sort of production where the 'high-society of towkays and angmohs' will be... I'm not saying it's totally unsophisticated and crude. It's just, well, very hokkien.

Sebastian Tan sings well, and he is really a good stand-up comedien... he is very engaging... and funny... I'm not going to even try telling you about the various things he said coz firstly I do not know how to type hokkien words in english, and secondly, it wun have quite the same effect. Besides, one would also need to have at least some grasp of the dialect...

But ya... at first, I had been skeptical and not very sure if the production would work... I mean, the title 'Broadway Beng' alone sounds weird... but it was truly wonderful, and worth every single cent.

And if Sebastian Tan does another run again... I'll definitely go.

getting better... calmer... more at peace with myself...

you just force yourself to think lesser each day... each time the thing pops up in your mind, you firmly grasp hold of it, and kick it out... coz when you do think about it, that's when you start getting all depressed and insecure, thinking, "why me? what did i do wrong?" or something other shit like that...

you've worked out the logic... and while you may wish that it doesn not have to be this way, you go along with it nonetheless, coz you rather still have the entire garden of roses, nevermind that it'll include one weed.... the pros' are greater. and once you've worked that out, you stop thining about it... of course you can't instantly stop... but bit by bit, little by little... you think less about it, and you relax more, get less upset with yourself... and things go back to normal... another hurdle tackled...

that's life... shit comes along, you learn to handle them... relationships get stronger... you mature... you move along...

... when you add one tough week, a couple of levels of frustration with work, a dad off to israel, together with about five more days before a woman's period?

An emotional rollarcoaster ride...

Next week... next week will be better... it always gets better...

... when you know, deep down inside... somehow you just know that something is happening somewhere in town... something you're not quite sure whether you should be happy/upset/angry/plain frustrated about?

Deep inside of my being... i just know... i can just picture Him... we'll see tml if my gut feeling was right...

lol... telepathy, anyone?

now... i'm at this stage where it's like, i gotta decide whether i wanna continue working at the pub, or drop it...

and i'm not sure what i should do... lol, i know it's not like, some huge career move or something... but still... urgh.

and my dad's going to israel tomorrow... and i'm so worried... i pray, and believe that he will be alright, yet, i do worry; i am only human...

i resolve not to read any news relating to the entire israel-lebanon thingy til he comes back next wed.... easier to sleep at nite...

then again... it's not like i've been sleeping wonderfully the past few weeks.. it's not good sleep when you're waking up every couple of hours during the night... and no matter how much sleep i get, it just doesn't feel like full sleep even though i dun hear my alarm clock sometimes when it first rings... only hear it the second time.. that's why my alarm is set to ring twice, 10 min apart from each other, lol...

sigh... i am all talk about being an independent strong woman... yet sometimes, i could do with a long cuddle or two... just some comfort...

i think i'll go hug my bloster now...

ya, i know... i can be so pathetic sometimes..

but the question is this: would you rather know that i am every bit a human, open to little moments of weakness, capable of feeling vulnerable, able to shed tears, feel happiness, sadness, anger etc... or do you prefer to think of me as some superwoman blogger, coz then that allows you to pretend, imagine, that perhaps there are people out there who are such strong beings they are able to handle everything life throws in their way.. so you can comfort yourself, persuade yourself that maybe one day you could also stop being human, and be some super being instead?

all my life i've had people looking up to me, coming to me for advice, comfort etc... like i'm some super person who has no problems of my own, miss 'can-handle-it-all'...
and it gets really irritating sometimes, that people expect me to live up to their own build-up image of me, just for their own sake.. so they have something they think they can draw strength from, coz i'm supposed to be miss 'can-handle-it-all', remember?

well too bad... i've got news for me... i'm just every bit a human as you... except, perhaps, i bottle things up better...

but i'm slowly learning, not to keep everything inside of myself, thanks to Him... lol, sometimes i wonder if it's wise, to take away the walls i had so carefully built up around myself as a form of protection... but i guess, in the long run... it's worth it...

coz it's just so nice to beable to breathe and relax and be human... to feel... instead of always being so cautious, trying to maintain that cool icy image most of my friends think makes up me.

There was an article in the Sunday Times today about the increasing number of young girls (late teens, very early twenties) having multiple (more than 2) abortions.

These girls would have an abortion once.. then, just when you taught they had learnt their lesson, they go out and get pregnant again. It's not a case of their condoms not being able to withstand their err, vigourous activities or that they unfortunately were the 1% who would still get pregnant even while on the Pill. It wasn't even about how in the heat of the moment there was no condom around and they just said, "ah, fuck it!", literally.

They just couldn't be bothered. Some thought, "oh, I had abortion liao mah, so less chance of getting pregnant again". Others felt that the pleasure of sex without the hinderance of a condom (oh please, it's not like it'll severely decrease pleasure.. if it did, it's probably just coz he's not doing it right) outweight the risk of pregnancy.

And it disturbed me... that these young girls could treat an abortion so lightly... where's the self-worth? The entire argument about whether a foetus in the womb is considered a living being or not aside, I don't think that a female should go for such operations just for the sake of some short-term gratification. It's not some simple operation like pricking your finger for a blood test. Serious complications could arise. An abortion is not like the action of using liquid paper to bolt out a mistake you made. It's a bloody operation, for goodness' sake!

And oh... what about sexually-transmitted diseases? AIDS, anyone?

After reading that article, I stopped and wondered to myself... maybe those girls who are saying that oh, an abortion is no big deal are really just covering up the pain they feel. But somehow, I couldn't convince myself that that was the case. Which made it all the more disturbing.

I wish those girls could think beyond their next orgasm. What if they meet some nice boy in the future, decide to settle down and start a family, only to find out that she cannot have a baby coz of all the abortions she had? What about when she does have kids of her own? Will she start regretting all those other babies she aborted?

And it goes even further beyond that. This entire thing just simply indicates that generally, young people nowadays treat everything so lightly. They just focus on the latest thing that amuses them to the point that they take no consideration of anything else... they do not think there is a need to take responsiblity for their actions, even actions beyond sex.. and when something doesn't go their way, they just find the fastest, most instant solution and go for it, without really thinking.
Point: they do not think, period. Cos most of their lives, other people do the thinking for them. And that, is soooo sad.

Sigh... of course this issue is especially close to my heart....

After my own abortion... I remember I did my calculations and knew, if I had kept the baby, which month it would be born... I even knew it was possibly the 2nd week of that month. And so the 1st and 2nd years, I'll be a total mess during that period. If I happened to see young babies, I'll starting tearing up. And since my abortion, every Christmas has been different, since I went for the op. just a week before Christmas. the 1st Christmas after the op, I even bought some baby toys and knew them into the sea... lol, I know, so drama-mama right? But I was feeling extremely guilty. I'll imagine my baby up in heaven looking down on me, tears in his accusing little eyes, asking why his mother didn't want him. And then I'll pray that one day in heaven, I'll see my baby again, and make it up to him.

Over time, the pain has lessened a great deal and I no longer do 'dramatic' stuff like buy a little birthday cake, or buy christmas gifts for it... but that doesn't mean the pain has disappeared completely. I'm not like, in total mourning now... I just think about it every now and then... in a very calm manner, in case you're wondering, lol. But while I've forgiven myself and let go of the pain already... I know it's something that'll always be with me, simply coz, one cannot change one's past actions ever.

Given a choice, I rather have had the pain of the abortion, than the nonchalent attitude of some of the interviewees who had had multiple abortions... coz at least I know I am, as harsh as it may sound, more human and capable of feeling and self-worth.

And I hope one day those girls will learn to respect themselves more..

my mum had returned on tues afternoon... today, it was my dad's turn. not long after he got home, we went out to bedok, one of the hawker centers for a mass-makan session. sometimes what my family does is we order a variety of dishes and then share them... lol, my dad whacked up all the food... after a period of time spent overseas, you just really miss local food, you know...

after that, we just spent some time walking around, looking at things, talking, joking around, laughing... and it was totally enjoyable.
i know it's kinda weird... that i would like a place of my own and yet... sometimes i do get particularly bitchy and start going on and on about my family, but deep down inside, i guess i do love them. it's funny what age does to you... as you get older, you tend to mellow down and become less of an angry individual... you tend to be more easy-going, and take things as they come along and learn to enjoy them.

and no... i'm not getting older.. just more matured ;)

I'm still in an extra 'loving-Sg' mood... lol... post-national day sympton.

As usual... towards the ending of the ndp yesterday, when they started singing a whole load of older ndp songs, then got into the pledge and 'Majula Singapura'... i started tearing up.. it always happens to me for some reason...

But in case you're wondering... i dun just love my country during the ndp period... just clarifying in case some ppl think i'm just a ndp sucker.

I just wish Singaporeans wouldn't doubt fellow Singaporeans when they profess their love for the nation... it's almost like as though you're considered crazy if you love your country, like it's obiang...

Now THAT, I consider crazy...

Happy 41st birthday to you, my dear dear homeland.....

Since Mr Brown and Mr Miyagi started the 'I am a Singaporean' thingy in early July, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I had more or less decided that i would do it, just wasn't sure if it'll be a audio recording or a written thing - since I do not have the recording facilities, I'm going to write it down.

Now, finally, I am sitting before my laptop, fingers poised, ready to 'type out' my heart... Kinda appropriate that I'm doing this on National Day... I'm not doing this coz it's the latest blogging trend... I'm doing this because I am a Singaporean.

*******************

I am a 23 (almost!) year old female who is not a Hainanese Chinese or a Peranakan, but a Singaporean Peranakan-Chinese rojak mix.

I am a political science grad who, I admit, enjoys the wide-eyed looks from people when I tell them what my uni major was... I am always amused that they think of me as an extremely brave (or stupid) individual because "do politics, wait kena sued or ma-ta come catch you in middle of night ah!"

I enjoy my food very much. I also enjoy being able to form a foul sentence with words from at least 3 different languages for more effective cursing... I was brought up to believe that I have to be the best in everything in order to survive, you see.

I do worry a lot about the future. As the eldest child in my family, I wonder if I'll be able to support my parents in their old age. What about my younger brother, with a couple more years of schooling to go? I worry I will not be able to take care of my family, and sometimes I get so frustrated by all these thoughts, I just wanna cry.

I do not care much for the sickeningly-sweet family promotion campaigns or SDU flyers... I think I can decide for myself the sort of life I want, without official guidance. And I'll most probably never marry, and will either adopt or fuck without protection to have my own baby later on in my life.

I am always pushing my parents to hang up our national flag during this period because, it is a lovely flag, no? Whenever it comes to the part when everyone recites the pledge and sings 'Majulah Singapura' during the NDP, I always, always get teary-eyed. I am proud of my country and how we have grown so much.

And yes, I have great respect for MM Lee because that genius got Singapore on its feet and the world to notice her. I also love SM Goh because he bothered to listen to the people. The jury is still out on PM Lee though.

I am glad that we have 'progress for our nation' though I wonder why our paychecks are not progressing as much too? I think it is nice to hear people refer to us as the 'small island business success story', though I hope one day they'll also call us the 'Asia Pacific Arts hub'... I can dream, can't it?

I do like the western concept of democracy, but I do not think we can just 'rubber-stamp' it onto Asian countries. That said, I do wish we could lighten up a little more on the freedom of expression and censorship thingy.

I am ashamed that we have to be instructed to smile and be polite and friendly when the world visits us next month. I am unsure whether I should be upset that the government doesn't trust us to be hospitable on our own, or that they're going out all to suck up to the yang ren.

I do believe that Sitoh should repair the lights in Potong Pasir coz he's the one who put them up to seduce the residents there. I believe that public money should be used to better the lives of everyone who paid their taxes and contributed to the funds, not just go into lift upgrading for those who chose Zeus's lighting bolt.

I disagree with the way the government handles many things and yes, I've done my fair share of grumblings. But if Singapore was at war, I'll stay and defend this country... because it is us, the people, my family and friends, not the government, that makes up this country. This is my home, my motherland... this IS where I belong. And I get very upset when I see how a large proportion of my fellow young Singaporeans simply cannot be bothered.

I do like to travel. I have been mistaken for a Thai, Indonesian, Philippines, and Vietnamese.. for some strange reason, people do not tend to immediately think of me as a Singaporean. I envy the carefree atmosphere some neighbouring countries have. I wish we could also have buskers roaming our streets, coloring up the environment.

Still, this small, uptight island is where I was born, and the place I will die in... The country that frustrates me some times; the country I love all the time.

I may be SgFairy the anonymous blogger, but don't you care think for one moment, that I am just some irresponsible bugger.

Whoever I may be, I am still a citizen of this country, of this Asian Democracy... and hence, my voice does count.

Yes, I am a Singaporean.

So say we all.

So say we all.


iamsingaporean

... was totally boring.

I did not like the music there at all, and the place felt kinda like, poser.

Older working crowd... a couple of nice rooms, but nothing hugely amazing...

The only thing I really liked was the Pure room, hehe, I took pictures!

But ya... quite disappointing on the whole...

Oh, and I tried the samplers from cafe iguana... and I am pleased to announce that I am still sober!